he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
