Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cannot find my penis.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
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Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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