I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
