If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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