She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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