Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
