I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
