the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
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i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
and you fell through a lawn chair
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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