what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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