I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
