It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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