Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
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Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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