Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Randomize
