Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
love makes seman taste better
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
