A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
