shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
