Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He felt like a one man threesome
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
