you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You've changed since you got that strap on
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
