Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
