I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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