i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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