batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
