he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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