last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
