I got chris browned last night
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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