Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
