You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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