Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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