1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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