Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
