theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
