3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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