You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Randomize
