Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Found your dick twin last night
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
