Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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