I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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