I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I puked a lego.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
