I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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