I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
