She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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