So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
