She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
