Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
