Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
