I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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