someone owes me an orgasm
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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