I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
