This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My underwear smells like fireworks.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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