my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
