toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
being pregnant is like rehab
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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