textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
