I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
