Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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