if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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