I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
