you turned your livingroom into a bong?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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