i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
