It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am naked and annoyed.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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