my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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